// I Just Really Want To Talk About Mental Health For A Second

I've said it many times, and I'll say it again - PCOS is a silent killer. Before my official diagnosis, I was dealing with a hurricane of symptoms that hit me like a ton of bricks. I gained 75 pounds in ONE YEAR. Chin hair appeared out of literally nowhere. My cycle stopped completely and my periods stopped coming.

I actually thought I was pregnant. Not even kidding. I was always on a perfectly, on-the-dot 28-day cycle, so when that stopped, I was like, "Yeeep. Definitely preggo." I tested so many times .. peed on SO MANY damn sticks .. all negative. I was so confused. I finally went to my doctor and tested there .. another negative. They called me in for an ultrasound a few days later. The ultrasound technician didn't say much, except that I was definitely not pregnant and that I had some cysts. OK, cool. I thought nothing of it. She even held the little microphone thing up to my ovaries to make sure there was good air flow. There was. That was pretty awesome, actually. Technology, amirite?

It wasn't until a few months later that my doctor told me I have PCOS. She said it like it was no big deal. Meanwhile, I instantly broke down in tears. My mother was in the room with me and didn't even know what to say. I'm not sure if my doctor was just trying to calm me down or what, but she gave me some drug to bring on my period and put me on a birth control pill. I didn't realize it at the time .. but that diagnosis and those pills helped me combat a lot of other issues I was dealing with at the time .. and I'm thankful for that.

One of the biggest symptoms of my PCOS was severe anxiety and depression. In the summer of 2013, I was suddenly crippled with this mental illness and I couldn't handle it. On some days, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be alive. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn't eat. Before all the weight gain, I actually dropped a significant amount of weight because I threw up every time I ate. I resorted to alcohol with my buddies for comfort. I was spiraling. I couldn't leave my bed on some days. I also dealt with extreme manic episodes. I even became violent. In 2015, I got into a fight with my ex that turned SO sour I kicked a whole in our bedroom door. I threw tantrums when we fought. I literally threw a bag of Doritos at said ex. Looking back on it now, it was really, really idiotic.

Let me just say something REAL QUICK: I do not blame myself for my behavior. My ex and I had an awful relationship, and he was shitty, too. He wasn't sure how to deal with my issues (which is understandable, because I also did not know how to deal with my issues), but there was a lot of other crap that was way beneath the surface. He was a trigger up until the day I cut him out of my life, for reasons created by both him and me.

ANYWAY, I was in a bad place. Before I knew about my PCOS, I went to a doctor who diagnosed me with all the things and gave me all the medications. I was living on Xanax. I was changing depression pills often because I hated the way they made me feel. I felt like I'd never get better. Every single day was hard. I felt trapped. I noticed that when I was put on the pill, I slowly started to feel better. My breakup with my ex definitely helped .. I never realized how toxic our relationship was until it was over. After a few months of being on that little pill, my weight started to drop. My mood swings became almost nonexistent. I no longer felt the need to take medications for my anxiety and depression - and my doctors agreed. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, but I'm significantly better.

I also started trying to take better care of both myself and my surroundings. It's so hard to even get started on doing this when dealing with depression. It took some hormone regulation combined with my last breakup to get started on a self-care journey. Not everyone is as lucky as I was; I think fate played a huge role in my decision to fight back. Meeting my current prince charming also helped. And NO, I'm not saying that a guy is responsible for my health and happiness, because ultimately, I am. But he helped me see my potential .. he showed me what love is .. he showed me how to start loving myself.

I still deal with depression and anxiety, but damn, it's been so much better. I still have days when I don't want to leave my house and I still endure sleepless nights because of my anxiety. I question myself and everything around me from time to time. But I power through. Three years ago, I was crying almost everyday, questioning my worth, drowning in debt, eating shit food 24/7 and working for a boss who didn't appreciate me. I was living in a disgusting house with a horribly toxic guy, rarely going outside, kicking doors and throwing things, struggling to breathe through powerful panic attacks, and ultimately, not knowing if I wanted to live. Today, I own a successful small business with my best friend who has been there for me since day one .. I am consumed by true, pure love with a guy who understands me .. I am going back to school to pursue even more dreams .. I am living in a clean, organized apartment with my love .. I am paying my bills .. I am going out more .. I am pursuing a healthy lifestyle with exercise and a decent diet .. I am doing really fucking good. I think that, without my PCOS diagnosis and prescribed birth control pills, I would have never gotten better. And years of research about PCOS and depression helped me figure out a plan of action to combat it and to thrive.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was kind of all over the place, but thank you for letting me share this story. I hope that, in some weird way, if you're dealing with PCOS, anxiety or depression .. maybe you'll feel inspired. I wanted to share this because I am able to do a lot of exciting things despite my diagnosis .. and maybe you can, too.

With so much love,


with love,

holly ✨